"So what is your diagnosis?", it keep ringing in my mind since then. Everytime i remember i hate myself.
Again today in front of the doctor during the OSCE i was asked the same question. I didnt see that coming. My mind was ready for only clinical examination. It was not the diagnosis that traumatize me, its the heavy load i need to be responsible after saying the diagnosis. Why? What? How? I cant bear it.
Did my mind stuck to the level of diagnosing only?
I have to learn to accept my flaws. I cant be perfectionist. I should do my very best, itqan. But i should never let perfection destroy myself confidence. I must accept it as my mistake but i should never let myself thinking im sucks. I should learn to lean more to Allah, and that He is the only One with Perfection.
My patient cant afford my flaws. Yes i know. I should never let a word slip from my tongue again without thinking. I must be certain and specific. Or i should not act blindly. I should be precise and effective. I should not only know the diagnosis. I must know the disease well. Because im treating the patient and not the disease. But again i should bare in my small mind to be ready that i may make mistake again in the future because i have my weakness and ready to learn and improve. I should not break then. No one in this life never make a mistake at all. I was destined to make mistake and learned it hardly. Because Allah know how to teach me best.
Tell myself repeatedly. I have weakness, lower down my ego. I must agree to say it was my fault
This is it. I learned it hardly. Then i should never repeat the same mistake if im truly regret.
Thank you doctor for coaching me to be not just a doctor but a human.
O' Lord all gratefull goes to you. Guide me, for i never did anything right.
#roadtopasirmas
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