It was so not me to confront my beloved people against my will.
Half of me cried to myself that begging me to stop these bad face of me.
And half of me is the fallen part which had enough of the trauma or the bad days to keep this. Am i wrong to protect myself?
It isnt all bad memories but the sinister word and hates and anger i receive is nothing to compare with others. But it is enough that everytime i heard of all those word i hurt so much. Myself saying this is all abuse for my smile and kindness. I think was being used for what people want and left when i had nothing to with. For being to easy to apologize people. But she is my love one. Its better to avoid than hurting her so much when i cant bear it anymore. It will burst. I have being imagining me shouting to her to stop. This is so bad of me. May Allah apologize me for not being able to husnu zhon.
Oh, what it is husnu zhon. If there is someone who can tell me how it is to be husnu zhon. It is harder than said. I have being crying remembering the prophet said, you have no iman until you love others more than yourself.
Tell me. How? How can i love one who hurt my feeling. Asked for me when she need and blame me for everything when she want. Am i all to blame?
Me. Me who hate being lied since school. Because i was so easy to play at. I was so easy to do anything for people but i forget myself. Can i do this one just for myself? Please i cant take any hard words anymore.
I had being thinking of telling her, because i love her. How can i didnt love her when she was in my prayer all time? But i'm afraid, that she will blame that i play the agonist and hero part everytime.
So these time, let me play the antagonist one. Let me be the one who look bad and crush people dream. Let me. Let meeeeee! As long as she will not be hurt anymore. I pray someone better than me to come into her life and make her smile.
I just want to say. If i was given a chance.
If Allah permit us to meet again in jannah, where no worry and sadness, please be my neighbour.
If oneday you need me in the future, when no one to turn too, i am always welcoming you to help. I pray Allah ease your way, guide you, help you, make you happy, give you a happy family and a supportive husband.
I'm sorry for not being there physically, but i am there if you look and think of me.
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